


Four Questions

by masquerade97



Series: Jewish!Cas [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Antisemitism, Gen, M/M, jewish!cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-06-22 16:00:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15585501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masquerade97/pseuds/masquerade97
Summary: In which Dean makes it to a Passover Seder, but not one he should have been at





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> fair warning: this is based on an actual event that actually happened to me this past Pesach, and there's a link in the notes at the end of the chapter for a full explanation. events in this fic will end better than the confrontation i had  
> i'm not totally comfortable tagging this fic as "angst" bc this is real significant emotional hurt, so i decided against using the tags at all bc hurt/comfort also doesn't fit. just know that, while this is going to be pretty heavy (my Jewish readers may want to tread lightly tbh), the fic will end well

Cas vaguely heard his phone buzz on his nightstand. He sighed. His alarm had gone off some ten minutes before, and he'd thought he might be able to sneak in a few extra minutes of sleep, but it seemed he'd not have that kind of luck today. He shook his head and rolled over, staring at the phone through half-open eyes, as if he could convince it not to do that again.

It was Monday morning, and he knew Jo would be by shortly to pick him up so they could go back to school. Cas' family had been over for Pesach that weekend, and Jo had stopped by Sunday, since her family didn't usually do a seder the second night and she'd wanted to participate. She'd been disappointed not to find Dean at Pesach, but Cas had explained that since Pesach and Easter were the same weekend, Dean hadn't been able to get away, and thus passed another Pesach that Dean hadn't been able toparticipate in.

"Well then, how's his Easter going?" Jo had asked when Cas had explained this. "I know my cousins on my mom's side were decorating eggs. They have fun doing that."

"I don't know," Cas had replied. "Haven't used my phone since Friday afternoon. It's probably dead by now. I'll ask him tomorrow."

And now it was tomorrow. Cas remembered he'd get to go back to school and see Dean again, and he perked up just as his phone buzzed again with the unopened text. Cas grabbed his phone and saw several text messages on the lock screen. The most recent was from Jo, and the rest were from Dean. Cas opened his messages and opened Jo's first.

_I'll be there in about half an hour_

Cas checked the time and figured Jo was about on schedule; they'd decided to leave around nine to go back to school. _Sounds good_ , he replied.

Next were Dean's messages, and there were several of them. The most recent was a simple, _Can't wait to see you tomorrow <3_. Cas smiled and started scrolling up, his eye catching on certain words and the few pictures Dean had sent him and his good mood plummeted faster than he would have thought possible. He wanted to scream. He wanted to yell. He wanted to cry. He wanted to... well, he wasn't sure what. All he knew was that he couldn't identify the maelstrom of negative feelings that were suddenly whirling around his heart. The feeling was so severe he thought he might throw up.

He closed the app and looked around his room, feeling lost. Maybe he'd misread. He rubbed his eyes and restarted his phone, wondering if, or maybe hoping, he was still dreaming.

He reentered his password and reopened his messages. He braced himself before he reopened Dean's texts. The punch wasn't any easier the second time.

Suddenly the time on the top of the screen caught his eye and he felt his heart sink. Jo would be by in only fifteen minutes, and then it was only a two hour drive until they were back on campus, and Cas didn't know what he was supposed to do once he got back there. He settled for getting ready to leave.

"Sleeping in?" his mother asked when he wandered into the kitchen for something quick to eat. The question was so normal he almost wanted to laugh.

"You know I don't sleep in," Cas said, managing a smile that he hoped didn't look too fake.

"Do you have everything?"

Cas patted his bag. "Right here."

His mother narrowed her eyes and studied him for a moment. "Is everything okay?"

Cas debated what to tell her. He didn't want there to be a scene, but he also knew he wouldn't be able to keep up a lie for any significant amount of time.

"I don't know," he finally said. He clenched his jaw and hoped he'd be able to keep his composure for a little longer.

"What happened?" she asked immediately. She stood and stepped closer to Cas, watching his face for any hint of what might be bothering him. She was only a few inches shorter than he was, so she looked him almost directly in the eye.

Cas shook his head, tried to keep his face at least mostly neutral. "I don't want to tell you," he said.

His mother drew back slightly, surprised. "Why not?"

"I want to try to sort it out myself," Cas replied.

"Castiel, _what_  is upsetting you?"

"I'll tell you later _ima_ , I promise," Cas said. "I'll call you this afternoon." Something caught his eye out the front window, and he saw Jo's car turn onto his street. "Jo's here - I have to go."

His mother reached out and grabbed his arm. "If I don't hear from you by the time your _aba_  gets home, we're driving out there."

Cas took a deep breath and nodded. He knew that if his father arrived home before he'd called, he'd probably get a call from one or the other of them, and that would be his last chance to tell them anything before they made the trip out. "Okay."

"Have a safe trip back and let me know when you get there."

"I will," Cas said. He kissed her cheek and was out the door before she could ask him anything else. He locked the front door just as Jo stopped her car in his driveway.

"Were you watching for me?" Jo asked as Cas settled into the passenger seat.

"I saw your car coming," Cas said stiffly.

Jo watched him for a second before backing out of the driveway. "I know you don't listen to music during _sefirah_  so instead of driving in silence, I have a couple of podcast episodes queued up."

"Thank you," Cas said. He looked out the window. He knew Jo was watching the road, but he still felt like she was watching him.

"Alright, what gives?" Jo asked when she stopped at a red light.

"What do you mean?" Cas asked, though he had to admit that his voice sounded flat, even to himself. He didn't bother to turn to face her.

"You were in such a good mood yesterday," Jo said. "Now you look like you're about to break down on me."

Cas shifted uncomfortably, but he figured he might as well say it; if he could get his head on straight before they got back to campus, it might make this confrontation easier. "Dean went to a Passover Seder hosted by his church on Friday."

"He did _what_?" Jo demanded. She sounded hurt and angry, and Cas figured that must be what he would have sounded like if he'd gotten to yell like he wanted to.

Cas finally looked forward, then over at her. "The light's green."

Jo was so startled that she took her foot off the old car's clutch too quickly, stalling the engine. She banged the steering wheel once while she restarted the car and finally got into first. "Did he text you?" she asked.

Cas nodded. "He sent me pictures too." He felt his lower lip wobbling, but he tried to speak evenly anyway.

"What the _hell_?"

"He said the pastor spent twenty years in Israel, so he hosted a Passover Seder for anyone who wanted to come." Cas wiped at his face, angry with himself for crying but not knowing if it was because he was upset or pissed off.

"Spending time in Israel doesn't make it okay!"

"I know that."

"Did you answer him?"

"And say what?"

Jo started to say something but decided against it and clamped her mouth shut, thumping the steering wheel again. She merged onto the highway and settled into the middle lane. "I don't know what you'd say," she finally said. "Something."

"I'll have to talk to him when we get back," Cas said, feeling sick at the thought of it. He wiped his face again and sniffed.

"There are tissues in the glove compartment if you need them," Jo said absently. "What are you going to say when you see him?"

Cas said nothing for a moment. He blew his nose and tried to think, but nothing intelligent came to mind. "I'll tell him it was wrong, I guess," he said quietly. "And that it hurt me."

"Tell him it was antisemitic," Jo said, a note of frustration in her voice. "Cas, you have to tell him it's antisemitic, not just that it hurt you." She glanced over at him, her expression softening when she saw the look on his face. "You know you have to use the word."

"I know," Cas said. He looked down at his hands and took a shaky breath. "I don't want to use it."

"I know you don't."

"I don't want to think that my fiance can be antisemitic." Cas tried to say it evenly, but he choked on a sob at the end of the sentence and balled his hands into fists.

They were quiet for a few minutes. Jo moved over a lane to avoid traffic from an on ramp, and immediately slammed on the brakes to avoid running into a speeding car that cut her off. She took a deep breath and changed lanes and gears until they were cruising again.

"I don't think he meant it," Jo finally said. It was a weak thing to say, she knew, but she couldn't think of anything better.

"I _know_  he probably didn't mean it," Cas said.

"He probably didn't even think of how it could be hurtful," Jo said, and as soon as she said it, she knew it was a mistake.

"That's worse and you know it," Cas said, harsher than he meant to.

"I know, I'm sorry," Jo said sincerely. "I'm _so_  sorry Cas."

Cas' lips trembled and he wiped his face again. "What am I supposed to do?" he asked, miserable. He knew what the worst case was. The thought made him want to be sick.

"First you have to have a conversation with him," Jo said. "Like, you need to sit down and have a really difficult conversation. And it'll probably be unnecessarily difficult for you because you'll probably have to _explain_  shit to him because goyim aren't aware of how antisemitic they're capable of being."

Cas' jaw was tight. "And then what?"

"Judge his reaction," Jo said. "And then you have to make a judgement call."

"What if I can't?" Cas asked. "I _love_  him Jo. What if I can't... What if the right decision is one I don't want to make?"

"Dammit Cas, I'll help you," Jo said. "You have parents and a thousand relatives who will help you. Don't you have Eileen's number too? I'd bet real money she'd help you. She'll probably read Sam the riot act too while she's at it."

Cas managed to huff a laugh, even though he was still crying.

"Do you want me to be there when you talk to him?" Jo asked.

Cas considered it. He knew he didn't need Jo for the explanation, but he might need her for moral support.

"I think I'll try by myself," Cas said. "Would you mind waiting in the common room though? In case I need you?"

"Of course," Jo replied. She hesitated a moment, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. "Do you want to stay with me? The apartment isn't very big, but there's space for an air mattress."

Cas closed his eyes and leaned his head against the headrest. "I don't know," he said. "I'll let you know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [here is the promised link](http://titlecomingsoon.tumblr.com/post/176684432906/some-notes-on-four-questions)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> links for further reading in the end notes  
> [link to my post from the end of the last chapter in case you missed it](http://titlecomingsoon.tumblr.com/post/176684432906/some-notes-on-four-questions)

Cas was on his back on his bed, one arm thrown over his face while Jo sat in his desk chair and read Dean's texts for the third time.

"I'm actually impressed," she finally said.

"By what?" Cas asked, his voice flat and muffled.

"The fact he actually did it," she said.

Cas shifted his arm half an inch and glared at her from the corner of his eye.

"I don't mean impressed as a good thing," Jo countered, "so don't look at me like that." She locked the phone and tossed it back to Cas, who made no attempt to catch it and instead let it bounce off his rib cage and land on the mattress next to him.

"So how _do_ you mean it?"

"I don't even know. I'm impressed in a bad way."

Cas waved her off and went back to being lost in his own head. He'd replayed the text messages so often in his mind at this point that instead of a hectic mash of emotions he simply felt a bone deep mixture of sadness, anger, and disappointment. He tried to think of something to say, but every time he played a hypothetical confrontation through his mind, he couldn't decide how it would go. Would he be able to calmly explain the situation or would he yell out his frustrations? Would Dean understand and immediately say the right thing or would he get defensive and try to justify what had happened? Should Jo stay?

A sudden series of buzzes against his side jerked Cas back to reality.

"Is that Dean?" Jo asked, managing to sound both curious and tired.

Cas sighed and shifted to grab his phone. On the screen were several texts - those from Dean that had just come in, and another from Eileen he hadn't noticed. "Yeah," he said. "And Eileen too."

"Did you text her?"

"Not yet," Cas replied, already open to his conversation with Dean. "We just got back and you took my phone as soon as you stopped the car."

"What did they say?"

_Dean_  
_[Today 11:26am]_  
_happy back-to-campus day! i thought i'd hear from you by now but i guess you didn't get yoru phone charged in time_  
_*your_  
_anyway i'm at the gas station around the corner_  
_do you want anything while i'm here?_

"Dean says he'll be back in a few minutes," Cas said. He felt a shot of nerves through his chest at the prospect.

"And Eileen?" Jo asked, seeming to sense Cas' discomfort.

_Eileen_  
_[Today 11:22am]_  
_i just got a text from sam about a Pesach seder he and his family went to?? did you know about this?_

"Just that Sam told her they went to the seder," Cas said, typing out a response. "I guess it was news to her too."

"You'd think they'd give one of you a heads' up or something," Jo said. "What'd you say to her?"

"That I had texts from Dean when I turned my phone on this morning," he said, pushing himself up into a sitting position, "but that that was the first I'd heard of it." His phone went off almost immediately.

"Who's that?"

"Eileen."

_i can't believe them_  
_this is ridiculous_  
_what're you going to do?_

"She wants to know what my plan is."

Jo bit the inside of her cheek like she was worried about the answer. "Well, what _is_ your plan?"

Cas sighed and typed as he talked. "I'm going to confront Dean about it and go from there."

Jo nodded, still with a concerned look on her face. "Do you want me to stay here and do it with you?"

"No," Cas said, the word out of his mouth before he could stop it. "I think I should do it alone."

"Okay."

Cas tapped the back of his phone with his finger, keeping time with his thoughts. The screen lit up with a new text, and then one right after it.

_Dean_  
_just parked the car be right up_

"Who was it this time?"

_Eileen_  
_sam and i are meeting for lunch anyway. i'll talk to him then_

"Dean just parked so he'll be up in a minute," Cas relayed. "And Eileen is going to talk to Sam over lunch." He hesitated, typing out a quick _good luck_ to Eileen before locking the phone and setting it down beside him. He looked up at Jo, who was watching him closely, waiting for something. "I want to do this alone," he said finally.

Jo nodded. "Do you still want me to wait in the lounge?"

Cas chewed his lip for a moment. He felt his phone vibrate against his leg and glanced down to see Eileen's response of _you too_ before he cleared the message from the lock screen. He nodded before looking back up at Jo. "If you don't mind."

"Of course Cas. You can yell if you need me. Or text. Whatever."

"And if I need to sleep on your couch?"

"Anything. Just ask."

"Who's sleeping on whose couch?" Dean asked, shouldering into the room. He smiled when he saw them.

Jo stood almost as soon as the door opened. Her face was blank, but she gave Cas a sympathetic look before she scooted around Dean and closed the door behind her.

Dean raised a curious eyebrow. "What was that about?"

"It, um," Cas started, watching Dean drop his bags on his bed. "Nothing," he said abruptly.

"Huh," Dean said, sinking onto his bed. His confused expression cleared almost immediately as he changed the subject. "Hey, did you get my texts? I mean, you didn't answer so I figured you just hadn't gotten to your phone yet, but have you seen them?"

Cas' mouth had gone dry, but he bunched his blanket up in his fist and nodded. "I saw them."

"Oh great!" Dean said. He was beaming and Cas just wanted to curl up and cry. "Did it look accurate? I mean, the pastor said he'd been to plenty of them, but I want to know from you." He turned to his bag and started digging through it. "I think I remembered the book from it. The _hagaddah_ right?"

Cas' vision swam and he pressed a hand to his face. "Dean."

"I must have left it in the car," Dean muttered to himself. He had half his clothes in a pile on the bed next to him while he rifled through the remaining half in his bag, clearly not finding what he was looking for.

" _Dean,_ " Cas said, more forcefully this time. He dropped his hand to find Dean looking at him, concern slowly crawling across his features.

"Shit Cas, what's wrong?" Dean asked. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, bag forgotten. "Did something happen?"

Cas counted to five, steadying himself. He let his breath out and felt his body relax. "You went to the seder," he said, managing to keep his voice steady on the last word.

Dean drew back slightly, his concern replaced with confusion. "What?"

"You can't _do_ that," Cas said. He shut his mouth quickly to keep his words from wobbling.

"Do... what?" Dean asked. "Go to the seder?"

Cas nodded. He couldn't tell if Dean sounded defensive, but he thought he heard some kind of edge to his voice. He tried to think about what to say. He knew he should say that someone outside a closed tradition had no right to conduct a religious ritual. That was it. And he'd thought about how he should say those words, but now that Dean was watching him, he found himself unable to say it any way he'd rehearsed it. "You can't _do_ that," he repeated.

"No, he said it was because the last supper was a Passover seder, and since Easter and Passover were the same weekend this year-"

" _No,_ " Cas said. His eyes were burning and there was a knot somewhere in the back of his throat. "He had no right to do that."

Cas could see Dean's mind racing in the tilt of his head and the way his eyes seemed to search Cas' face for more of an explanation.

"I don't understand," Dean said. "The two are related, aren't they?"

"They aren't interchangeable," Cas said, tears finally spilling down his cheeks. He scrubbed at his face, annoyed. When he looked up he saw Dean pushing himself to his feet. "Don't come over here," Cas said, holding a hand up as if to ward him off.

Dean paused, half on and half off his bed. He lowered himself back to his seat slowly, looking lost. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't think-"

"Stop," Cas said. His voice was shaking, but he forced the words out anyway. "Passover then and Passover now are not done the same way. Even if the last supper was a seder, that doesn't give you the right to practice a modern seder."

Dean shook his head once. His eyes were wide like he wanted to understand, but he clearly didn't see what warranted such a powerful reaction. "But-"

"You can participate if you are invited," Cas continued, his teeth clenched to try to keep himself from breaking down all the way. "I wanted you to come to my family's seder, and you would have been welcome. But someone who isn't Jewish doesn't get to host one just _because._ "

Dean opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but closed it again when he decided against it.

Cas abruptly pushed himself to his feet. "I can't stay here," he said shakily. He picked up his backpack from beside his desk and slung it over his shoulder, and grabbed his duffel bag from where he'd dropped it at the foot of his bed. "I'm going to Jo's for a couple of days." He was already out the door when he heard Dean's footsteps behind him.

"Wait, Cas, come on," Dean said. He managed to edge around Cas in the narrow hall and stop in front of him, forcing Cas to draw up short. "I didn't mean to hurt you, you know that. I'm sorry."

"Please move," Cas said, his eyes focused on Dean's shoes.

"You don't have to go to Jo's," Dean tried again. "I'll give you space, you could-"

" _No_ Dean," Cas said, finally looking up. "I want to stay with Jo. I need to get my head on straight, and I can't be around you to do that."

Dean's eyes were watery, and Cas feared he might start crying too.

"Cas?"

Cas glanced around Dean to see Jo peeking around the corner to the lounge. She spotted the bag he held and nodded, but she walked down the hall toward them anyway.

"Ready to go?"

Cas nodded and made to step around Dean. He hesitated when Dean stepped aside to let him pass. Dean was staring at the ground, looking more upset than Cas had ever seen him look. Cas was half tempted to leave him like that, just go without another word, but he knew he couldn't do that. As angry and upset as he was, he still wanted Dean to know that he was willing to move on, as long as Dean was willing to step up. "I'll talk to you in a few days."

Dean glanced up at the words, but Cas had already passed him. He noticed Jo hadn't left though, and he watched her for a second. He could tell she was weighing what to do. "I guess you're upset with me too?"

"I'm pissed as hell at you," Jo said, her words sharp. "I'd like to yell at you, but you clearly already took a beating from whatever Cas said to you."

"I don't even-"

"Dean, you're one of my best friends, but I honestly don't care what you have to say," Jo interrupted. "I'm mad and you aren't going to find the right words out of thin air."

The muscle in Dean's jaw worked as he considered this, his eyes drifting down the hall where Cas had disappeared. "Did I just ruin this?" he asked quietly, almost as if he were talking to himself.

"Cas loves you." Jo's voice had a begrudging tone, as if someone had dragged the words out of her. "You've only ruined it if you can't fix it."

"How do I fix it?" Dean's voice sounded like he wanted to be hopeful, but also like he didn't think he could.

"Figure it out." She said it in a way that suggested she didn't particularly want him to, but an edge of sympathy threatened to cut through her steely expression as she walked away.

By the time she caught up to Cas, he was already almost back at the parking lot. "You okay?"

"I don't know." Cas' voice had steadied, but the defeat in his tone was clear.

"What're you going to do?"

They'd reached the car, and Cas didn't answer right away. He'd been wondering the same thing himself. "I have to call my parents," he said as he settled his bags between his feet and buckled his seat belt. "I promised my mom I would."

"Does she know?"

"She knows something's wrong, but she doesn't know what." Cas sighed. "She said if I didn't call her by the time _aba_ got home, they'd drive up to see what was wrong."

Jo nodded as they pulled out of the parking lot. "So you need to call home," she said. "Then what? Just keep a low profile until you cool off?"

Cas pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, as if the answer might be in the shapes that exploded against his eyelids. "I'd like to talk to Rabbi Morse."

"She has a phone you know."

"She went to visit her family until Pesach's over," Cas said, dropping his hands to his lap. "I don't want to ruin _yontiff_ for her."

"Isn't there a saying that if two Jews are talking and one has a problem, the other becomes a Rabbi?" Jo asked. She gave Cas half a smile when he looked over at her.

"Probably," he said, managing a weak laugh. "But I don't think you can be unbiased enough right now."

"How about Dr. Goldberg?" Jo suggested.

Dr. Goldberg was one of two Jewish professors on campus. There weren't many Jewish students on campus, but she kept up with all of them. Sometimes they would joke and call her their Rabbi.

"Yeah," Cas said. "I think I'll go talk to her tomorrow before class."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> need more info? [this post](http://me-sorta.tumblr.com/post/172105592020/dear-christian-friends-psa) is a pretty good overview and [this article](https://sicutlocutusest.com/2014/04/11/no-christian-seders-please/) provides some good info as well


	3. Chapter 3

Lia Goldberg sat at her desk early Tuesday morning, grading papers. Under normal circumstances, this would have been done on Sunday. But with Sunday having been the second day of Pesach, she hadn't been able to. Monday would have been a good day for grading, but an extra day off had simply been too tempting. If that meant grading in the mornings before class for two or three days, so be it.

A knock at on the frame of the open door drew her attention and she looked up to see Castiel standing in the doorway. "Good morning, Castiel," she said.

"Good morning, Dr. Goldberg," Castiel said. "Could I come in and talk to you?"

"Of course," Lia said, stacking her papers neatly together and setting them aside. "What's on your mind?"

She could tell it was something heavy; Castiel was a student who often looked like he was lost in his own head, thoughtfully considering a problem seemingly until someone stopped him and pulled him back to reality. Today his expression seemed less animated and more troubled, as if the problem he was working on wouldn't stop doubling back on itself.

"It's not good," Castiel said, settling himself in one of the chairs at the desk and shifting until he was comfortable. He was watching her carefully, and she could tell he was waiting for permission to continue.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather call your Rabbi then?" Lia asked gently. She didn't want him to think she wouldn't listen, but she also didn't want him to search for answers where he wouldn't be able to find them.

"She's visiting family for _yontiff_ ," he said. "She won't be back until after Pesach."

Lia nodded. "Alright," she sighed. "I'll do my best. Shoot."

"I just need help processing," Castiel said, shifting in his seat as if admitting this fact was somehow physically uncomfortable. "I'm not asking you to fix my problems."

"Thankfully I'm aware of my limitations as a miracle worker," Lia said. She smiled when she noticed the beginning of a smile on Castiel's face. "Come on, out with it."

Castiel nodded and took a deep breath. "Dean went to a seder hosted by his church," he said on the exhale, sounding either defeated or lost. Maybe both.

Lia paused, making sure she'd heard that right. "Winchester?" she asked. She knew Dean, though she wouldn't say she knew him well. As an English major, she was his academic adviser and had taught him in several classes over the years.

She wasn't surprised when Castiel just nodded. He looked like he was trying not to cry, and Lia supposed that was fair; she'd been in one or two interfaith relationships in her life before she'd gotten married, and a few times Castiel had asked her for how she thought _halakha_ should be applied to situations that would come up in various interfaith settings. They'd always spoken strictly hypothetically, but she knew about Castiel and Dean's relationship, and from her own experiences she knew just the kind of hurt Castiel would be feeling right about now.

"Well, I'm certainly surprised," she finally said, careful to keep her voice even. She was upset, yes, but the feeling was dulled by experience, as if it hit a callus instead of a nerve. The fact angered her, as it always did. "I didn't figure him for the type."

"Me neither," Castiel said. His voice sounded on the verge of tears, but he managed to keep himself together. "I don't know if that makes this better or worse."

"Interesting take," Lia said. She folded her hands in front of her on the desk and leaned forward, showing Castiel he had her undivided attention. "What makes you say that?"

Castiel drummed his fingers on his leg for a moment, his face shifting slightly back to its usual thoughtful expression. "Better because I know for a fact he did it out of ignorance. Worse because it means it never even occurred to him to consider that he shouldn't do it."

"And why is that worse?" Lia asked. When Castiel's eyes flew from the desktop to her face in confusion she added, "I _know_ why. But you wanted help processing and prompting to help think things through helps me. Would you prefer a different approach?"

Castiel's expression cleared. "No, I understand," he said. His thoughtful expression returned and he sat in silence for a moment. His head tilted to the side briefly before his face clouded over again. "I don't know if ignorance makes it better."

Lia nodded. She'd been down that road before. "And why is that?"

"He knows other things," Castiel said, and a wary expression crossed his face as he met her gaze. "I'm sorry, I don't want to say specifically."

"That's okay," Lia said. "Speak generally if you have to. Or don't say anything, if that's better."

Castiel nodded, his fingers tapping briefly in agitation. "If you know generally that there are things you can't do, then being ignorant of a specific instance doesn't mean you couldn't figure it out." He considered for a moment and added, "I know I can't go into academic buildings after hours. That doesn't mean I don't get in trouble if someone else picked the lock and told me I could."

"Fair enough," Lia said. Something else occurred to her. "How does Dean feel about what happened?"

Castiel shifted uncomfortably again. "I confronted him," he said carefully. "Mostly I remember being upset about it."

Lia didn't doubt for a second that this was true, but she also knew Castiel well enough to know he was leaving something unsaid, which was just as well considering he kept most of his thoughts to himself. And really, Lia admitted to herself, all of this was really only her business as far as Castiel wanted it to be her business. If he wanted to keep details away from her, she couldn't blame him. "Have you spoken to your parents?" she asked gently. "They'll be able to help you too."

Castiel nodded. "They're upset. I know they'll keep it to themselves unless I say something to them though," he said. He face turned to that serious look he had. "They don't know how to help though. They met through a _shadchan_ and never dated _goyim_ ," he added in a pointed tone.

"Okay," Lia said. "Are you asking if _I_  have a specific experience that can help you?"

"I guess I am."

Lia leaned back in her seat, running her hand through her greying hair thoughtfully. "I haven't had this - specifically - happen to me," she said. She remembered fellow students in grad school tricking her into eating something that wasn't kosher, she remembered a _goyische_ ex arguing that the parting of the Sea of Reeds wasn't a miracle because the phenomenon could be explained scientifically, she remembered a woman in the grocery store with a cross around her neck explaining how Lia was wrong about what qualified as kosher, she remembered in middle school when a group of children would regularly throw coins at Lia and her Jewish friends, and on and on and on. "I will say this," she finally decided, "and then I'll pray you don't have to listen to me." She leaned forward again and made sure she had Castiel's full attention. "If he is not willing to understand what he did wrong, you'll be miserable trying to maintain any kind of relationship and it would be in your best interest to cut ties."

Castiel nodded and looked at his hands in his lap, his dark expression from earlier returning to his face. "I understand."

"Castiel," Lia said. She didn't wait for him to look at her, mostly because she didn't think he would. "I don't say that lightly. And I don't want you to think your situation is hopeless, okay?" She did wait that time, until he nodded to show he understood. "When you're able to, you should talk to him. But go in knowing what you're going to say. And make your decision based on whether or not he's receptive to what you have to say." She smiled sadly. "That's what I would do."

Castiel took a deep breath, and seemed to find a bit of resolve in himself. "Thank you," he said, glancing up briefly. His expression wasn't so clouded anymore, though he still had a wary look. He glanced at the clock on the wall and stood. "Excuse me, I have to print a paper before class."

"Of course," Lia said. She hadn't realized the first classes of the day started in just ten minutes. "And good luck, Castiel."

Castiel nodded as he turned to leave, but he paused in the doorway. He glanced back, looking uncertain. "You won't...?"

"Unless you tell me otherwise, our conversation never leaves this room," Lia promised.

Castiel's shoulders relaxed, relieved. "Thanks again, Dr. Goldberg."

"Any time," Lia replied. She watched the doorway for a moment, turning over the conversation in her head before forcing her mind to shift gears as she got ready for the day.

*~*~*~*~*

Her first two classes were Writing 120, then an hour block of time she used to grade papers or review her lesson plan for the afternoon classes. The first was fairy-tales, which she had to admit was her favorite to teach, and after that an upper-level literature class. The kicker was the lecture she gave in the evenings for the graduate students.

Tuesday was not usually one of her more eventful days; she only had the four classes at an hour and fifteen minutes each during the day, and the gap in between the last afternoon class and the evening class gave her enough time to go home, relax, and eat an early dinner with her daughter and husband. Mondays and Wednesdays were her busy days, mostly so she could avoid having to come to work at all on Fridays so she could make sure everything was ready for _Shabbos_.

This particular Tuesday was not usual.

In her breaks between the early classes she found herself replaying her earlier conversation with Castiel. She wondered if there was something else she should have said, or if perhaps she was being too negative. She knew she shouldn't, but she found herself wishing Castiel had said more, enough for her to get more of a read on his reaction or the situation as a whole. Mostly she worried that she might have made things worse, or dampened Castiel's hopes.

In gathering her papers after her lunch break, Lia remembered that Dean was in her fairy-tales class. She took a deep breath as she gathered her things and made her way to the classroom, organizing her thoughts in their own separate spaces. She had promised Castiel that their conversation would remain private, and she would do so by doing her job as she usually did.

The class went off without a hitch, though Lia noted that Dean was unusually quiet. The class wasn't full, and he'd taken a seat nearer the back of the room than he usually did. He kept his eyes downcast instead of participating, and Lia's impression was that he wasn't himself. She let him alone instead of trying to coax him into participating.

So it was all the more surprising when he stopped by her desk on his way out the door.

Up close he looked like he'd be ragged if it weren't the afternoon and he'd had all day to sort himself out. His movements were slower, he carried a slight tension about himself that would have been harder to spot if Lia hadn't seen him goof around with his friends on his way out of class on more than one occasion.

"Can I help you Dean?" Lia asked, keeping her teaching voice in place - the one she used to lecture and answer her students' academic questions.

"I was wondering if I could stop by your office this afternoon?" Dean kept his eyes on something over her shoulder, never quite meeting her eye even though his voice betrayed nothing.

"Of course. Is it about grad school?" That wouldn't be too out of the ordinary - she had given him letters of recommendation to two different graduate programs and it wouldn't surprise her if he needed another or some kind of follow-up.

"No, that's all taken care of." Dean's gaze shot to the door as a few students for the next class wandered in, paying them no attention. "I just had a question about Judaism, that's all."

"I see," Lia said. She paused, and saw Dean shift uncertainly on his feet. "I'll be in my office after this class, but if you aren't there by three I can't help you until tomorrow."

"Thank you," Dean said, maneuvering out the door between students who were arriving.

Somehow Lia managed to make it through the class without losing her head. Thankfully no one stopped with questions at the end of class, though she knew at least one of them would send her an email later, and she had a pretty good idea which of them it would be.

Her office wasn't really an office so much as a small meeting room on the third floor of the library. She'd been moved there after a storm earlier in the year had caused damage to several offices and forced the professors occupying them to relocate through the end of the semester. Not that Lia minded - it was slightly bigger than her usual office (and only slightly - study groups of three or four had been the only ones to regularly use the space before it had been hastily redone to serve as an office) and it had a lovely view of the rest of the campus from so high. As an added bonus, she was the only one with an office in the library, and the third floor wasn't often used during the day. It all translated to a quiet and peaceful place to work outside of class.

Dean was waiting outside the locked door when she arrived, and he offered a quiet greeting as she unlocked the door and let them in.

Lia took a seat at her desk and said, "That door stays open."

Dean held the door where it was, his hand already on the knob to close it. "Sorry?" he asked, as if he wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly.

"That door stays open," Lia repeated. "I never shut the door when I'm alone with a student."

"Oh," Dean said. "Sorry." He released the door and stepped further in the room, pausing for a moment too long before he realized he should take a seat at the desk.

"You had a question?" Lia prompted when the silence stretched on just a bit too long.

"Yes," Dean said. He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. He opened his mouth, thought better of what he was going to say, closed it. Then, "Have you seen Cas?"

Lia raised an eyebrow at him. "Briefly, this morning," she said. She waited.

"I upset him," Dean admitted. The admission obviously didn't sit well with him as he ran a hand through his hair. Lia heard his foot drag on the ground. "I didn't mean to," he added hastily. "I just didn't know. I still don't think I know."

"You said you had a question about Judaism," Lia said patiently. She was surprised to find she had no trouble keeping her voice level now that she had an idea where this conversation was going.

"I do," Dean said, the words running on top of each other as if he was afraid she'd kick him out if he didn't get to the point. "Or maybe not so much specifically-"

"Dean," Lia said kindly. "Start at the beginning."

Dean nodded, steadied himself. "I went home for the long weekend for Easter," he started, "and we went to services for Good Friday like we do every year. The pastor said there would be a Passover seder for anyone who was interested, since Easter and Passover were the same weekend this year. And Cas got upset when I told him and I don't know why." His voice was pleading and he was leaning forward in his seat when he finished talking.

Lia considered. "The pastor hosted this seder?"

"Yes."

"Were there any Jews present?"

Dean winced, a slight tightening in his posture. "Not that I know of."

"Then yes, this is very upsetting."

"But _why?_ " Dean asked, genuinely upset.

Lia sighed. "I want you to listen carefully Dean. I'm going to explain this as simply as I can, and if you are still uncertain then send me an email and I can give you other resources, but this is a very unhappy situation and I will not exhaust myself in dealing with it. Am I clear?" When Dean nodded she ran a hand over her face and took a deep breath. "Simply put, Judaism is largely a closed religion. This means our practices are _only_  for our people, and occasionally our guests. Someone who is not Jewish doesn't get to use our celebrations just because they want to."

"But the pastor explained-"

"I don't care what the explanation was." Lia was surprised to find she sounded tired, not angry. She tried to remember how many times she'd had this conversation, or any number of similar ones, but found it wasn't worth trying to count. She shook her head. "Are you aware of the context of things?"

Dean sat up straighter in his seat, taken aback. "What do you mean?"

"These are uncertain times," Lia said simply. "I'm sure you've noticed a thing or two, and I want you to think about what it's like to live on our end of things." Her gaze drifted to the sticky note on her computer monitor with its reminder of a meeting the following evening at her daughter's Hebrew school about the updated security measures at the synagogue. "I want you to think of what it means to have a friend do something like this, and then in the wider context of what we're living through."

"I didn't mean-"

"I don't think you _meant_  to be hurtful," Lia said. She saw a bit of tension leave Dean's posture at the words. "I don't think any Jew you admit this to will think you _meant_ to hurt them. That doesn't change the fact that it _was_  hurtful."

A silence passed between them as the words settled in the air.

"How do I make it better?" Dean asked quietly.

"That is a question for whomever you're trying to make it up to," Lia replied. "Though my advice is simply to own up to it and resolve to do better. In the end, I believe that's all any of us really can do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to my real-life professor who Lia is based on, bc she's the best
> 
> all of the incidents Lia lists as having happened to her are actual events that have happened to me and my friends (mostly me. i think only one is a shoutout to my friend). a couple of oldies but goodies that were excluded bc i didn't remember them while i was writing: being denied dinner reservations when making them over the phone bc of a "Jewish" name (my friend who had this happened isn't named Goldberg but it is a name that reads as Jewish (which means, of course, that it is a German name ending with either -stein or -berg, bc obv Jews only come from Germany /sarcasm) and being asked something along the lines of "but don't Jews have horns?" also i'm pretty sure i had a friend who was told they couldn't be Jewish bc the Jews died out 2000 years ago. fun times
> 
> also reminder bc it's December now: if you wish someone you see a "merry xmas" and they say "actually i'm [not xian]"/"i don't celebrate xmas," the correct response is "my bad, have a nice day." also! if you say "merry xmas" to someone who you /know/ isn't xian, you're a Dick and should Stop


	4. Chapter 4

Cas didn't want to do this now. He wanted to wait until after _Shabbos_ , until he'd had more time to really get his head on straight.

It was only Thursday afternoon, and Cas hadn't done much in the way of really dealing with his issue with Dean. Mostly because he wasn't completely over being angry, but also because he was frustrated with himself for not having been able to get out the words he wanted to the other day when he'd confronted Dean.

He sighed, staring down at the text message glaring at him from his phone. "Jo?"

"Yeah?" She was just in the next room, but her voice still sounded muffled, as if traveling through the clutter in the small apartment was just a little too difficult.

"It's Dean."

Jo was next to him on the couch so quickly she might have teleported if her movement wasn't betrayed by her hair falling over her shoulders. "What'd he say?"

"Read for yourself," Cas said, angling the phone in her direction.

 _Dean_  
_[Today 3:41pm]_  
 _i don't know if i can really ask this, but could i come over?_  
 _i want to talk. and apologize_

Jo drew back slightly in surprise. "Apologize?" she asked. She read the text again and glanced over at Cas, who was still staring at the message. "Do you think he means like, _actually_ apologize?"

"I don't know." Cas ran his hand over the stubble on his cheek. He wanted nothing more than to believe Dean really wanted to make things right, but his mind kept wandering to Monday, when Dean had offered justifications instead of sincere apologies. The wording of the text, at least, the _i don't know if i can really ask_ , seemed sincere, perhaps even repentant. "What do you think?"

Jo pursed her lips thoughtfully, her gaze going almost blank as she considered. Then she checked her own phone for the time, drummed her fingers on her leg. "I think he means it," she said finally. "And I think you think he means it."

"Do I?" Cas challenged.

"Yeah, I think so," Jo said, watching him almost sympathetically, "and I think you're afraid to think he means it."

Cas took a breath, held it, let it out. He looked away, back at his phone's now-dark screen. "You're right," he said. He put his phone down and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I'm afraid I'm wrong in hoping, and I'm afraid of what'll happen if I'm wrong."

They were quiet for a moment - for long enough that Cas wondered if Dean might send him another text. They weren't in the habit of pestering each other for answers in their text conversations, but for something important like this, when they both knew that they didn't have classes this late on a Thursday and weren't likely to be preoccupied with much else, if enough time passed without an answer, there'd usually be another text.

No other text came, and Cas appreciated that. Dean wasn't going to pester him to talk before he was ready.

"If it's okay with you," Cas said, dropping his hands and running them over his thighs, "I think I'll have him over."

"Really?"

Cas nodded. "Better to get it over with, I guess," he said.

"Then absolutely," Jo said. "Go for it." She watched Cas unlock his phone and send Dean a text, almost as if she hadn't believed he would actually do it. "Do you want me to just stay in my room with the door closed, or do you want me to make myself scarce?"

"Either one," Cas said with a shrug.

Jo sucked in her lips and looked between her bedroom door and the front door. "I think I'll stay," she said. "In case you need backup."

Cas cracked a smile. "You mean so you can eavesdrop."

"No!"

"I don't believe you."

Jo made a face at him. "I want to know what he says, but I can wait for the Cliff Notes version," she said stubbornly. "I'll put on my headphones and listen to Bach while I do my homework."

Cas considered this, watching her skeptically. He smiled in earnest when she rolled her eyes at him. "Okay, maybe I do believe you."

"You're such an ass," she said affectionately as she pushed herself to her feet.

"Only because I think you're lying about the Bach."

Jo turned in the doorway to her room so she was facing him. "I _do_ listen to music during _sefirah_ , and don't pretend like you didn't know that."

"You listen to Bach though?" Cas asked, now genuinely curious.

Jo sniffed indignantly. "Sometimes." One corner of her mouth turned up when Cas chuckled, but then her expression turned serious. "Seriously though, come get me if you need help."

"I think I'll be okay Jo," Cas said, surprised to find he believed himself. And she must have too because she just nodded and closed the door behind her.

It was only a moment later that the knock sounded at the door, and Cas opened it before he could change his mind. "Come in," he said, stepping aside to let Dean enter.

Dean stepped in and then hesitated. The only place to sit in the small living room was the couch, and the tension in the air said that sitting next to each other was not an option for this conversation.

"Over here," Cas said as he closed the door. He crossed the space to the breakfast nook in the kitchen and took a seat on one side. He gestured for Dean to sit across from him. Jo's printer sat on the table between them, on top of a textbook from the previous semester and under what looked like a pile of returned essays that Jo hadn't known what to do with. Cas welcomed the barrier. "You said you want to talk."

"I want to apologize," Dean said. His hands had been fidgeting with the hem of his coat, but now he crossed his arms on the table and leaned forward.

Cas leaned back, his hands in his lap, ready to just get this over with. "Okay."

"I'm sorry." Dean took a deep breath, one hand tightening on his elbow as if to give himself stability. "I'm sorry I went to that seder. I'm sorry it never occurred to me that I shouldn't be there. Hell, I'm sorry it never occurred to me to _think_ about whether the whole thing was even okay. I was wrong. The whole thing was wrong. I get that now."

"Thank you," Cas said, genuinely surprised. Touched, even.

"I'm not done," Dean said. Some of the tension left his posture at Cas' reaction, but he still looked almost distressed about the possibility of not getting to finish.

"Then continue," Cas said, watching Dean carefully, his head cocked slightly to one side.

"I went and talked to Dr. Goldberg, and she gave me resources to look at and read up on. I realized you tried to explain things to me and I just wouldn't listen, and I'm sorry for that too, Cas. I'm _so_ sorry I didn't listen to you." Dean's face was pleading and he sat back a moment, ran his hands over his thighs, rearranged his arms. "Sam called me after Eileen dug into him and we had a conversation too. I called my mom and told her about it, and she promised to say something to the pastor next time she went to church."

"You did that?" Cas almost couldn't believe it. If it weren't for the look Dean wore, he doubted he'd believe it at all.

Dean nodded. "I want to make it up to you," he said. He shifted in his seat, but the ghost of a smile was forming on his lips. "It seemed like the least I could do. I made a mistake because I didn't think, but now I know. I swear to God, and I swear to _you_ , that I won't let something like this happen again."

Cas couldn't do anything but stare for a moment, unsure of whether Dean wanted to add anything else. But Dean was just watching him, out of words and worried about the answer.

There were tears on Cas' cheeks before he realized he'd started crying. He wiped at his face and used the excuse to close his eyes and steady himself.

"I'm sorry," Dean said again. He sounded defeated. "I'm really sorry. I don't-"

"I'm not upset," Cas said quickly, opening his eyes again and sniffing. "I'm...touched. Thank you." He took a deep breath. "I didn't know what to expect."

"I really didn't mean to hurt you," Dean said, a sad smile on his face. "And I'm so sorry that I did. I love you. You know that right? I love you so much. What was it? _Ani ohev otkha._ "

He hit the _kh_ hard, like he was determined to pronounce the word correctly, and Cas couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of his throat. "I love you too."

Dean perked up almost immediately. "You do?"

"Of course I do," Cas said. The anger and sadness that had been knotted in his chest had loosened considerably, and he felt as if it made it easier to breathe. To be free of that weight made him almost giddy, but he held himself in check. "You're an idiot, but I don't hate you."

"Really?"

Cas sighed. "I don't know what I would have done if you'd never taken the time to understand, but I don't know that I ever could have hated you." He shook his head. "I appreciate you taking it upon yourself to learn. You have no _idea_ how happy I am that I didn't have to explain this."

They were quiet for a few minutes, and Cas tried to examine what he was feeling. He was staring at the table, his index finger tracing a circle in the faded surface. He could still feel the hurt, deep in his gut, but it was dulled. _He knows he was wrong,_ he thought, and it put a smile on his face. _He's sorry he was wrong. He wants to do better._

"So," Dean asked, tentatively breaking the silence. "Are we...okay?"

Cas met Dean's gaze and gave him a half smile. "I think so," he said. "But," he added, before Dean could get too excited, "I want to stay here until after _Shabbos_."

"Of course," Dean said. "Whatever you need."

" _And_ , I think you owe that apology to Jo too," Cas added. "And to my parents."

"Your parents know?"

"My mom saw I was upset before Jo and I came back to school," Cas said with a shrug. "I had to tell her."

"Okay," Dean said, running a hand over the back of his head with a sigh. "Yeah, I owe it to them too."

"I'll call them tonight when my dad gets home from work, but we'll call them together on Sunday."

"Sounds like a plan," Dean said, breaking into a lopsided smile.

Dean gave Jo the short version before he went back to campus, and she seemed as pleased as Cas was. Cas' parents were relieved when he called them later that night after dinner and counting the _omer_ , and he promised they'd call Sunday morning.

"Did you think it would go that well?" Jo asked when Cas hung up.

"I was trying not to think about it too much," Cas said. "But I don't think that even in my wildest dream I imagined an apology like that."

"That good?"

"I would have accepted the apology he gave you," Cas admitted. "The Cliff Notes version. 'I'm sorry, I was wrong, I'll do better' is, I think, the least I would have accepted."

"Then yeah, this was a home run," Jo said with a slight laugh. "So, what? You're still gonna marry him right?"

"Well we can't get married during _sefirah_ , but after that? Yes, that's still the plan."

"What about during _lag b'omer?_ You can get married then."

" _Can_ ," Cas said. "But won't. I'd rather wait until June."

" _June?_ " Jo asked, almost indignant. He could almost see the gears turning in her head as she did the math. "Isn't that...two weeks after _Shavuot?_ Why not the day after? It's a Tuesday and everything."

"Straight from _yontiff_ to a wedding?" Cas asked, an eyebrow raised. "A bit much don't you think?"

"You're right," Jo ceded, sighing dramatically as she turned back to her room. "You just don't have enough flair to pull it off."

"First of all, you're wrong," Cas said, pulling a skeptical snort from Jo. "Second of all, this was _my_ wedding, last I checked. And I didn't ask you for your opinion on dates."

Jo stuck her tongue out at him, but she was grinning anyway. " _Lyla tov_ Cas," she said.

" _Lyla tov_ ," Cas replied as the door shut. He turned off the the overhead light and made himself comfortable on the couch, but he doubted he'd find sleep any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realized in writing this that i've never seen לילה טוב transliterated, so that's my best guess on what makes sense
> 
> anyway, happy ending! you might not need as many words as Dean, but let this be a reminder to you to Apologize, and to Mean It
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://titlecomingsoon.tumblr.com/ask)


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